Category Archives: Recollections

Things I Ate At The C.N.E. In 2014

Coco's Fried Chicken. CNE 2014

Coco’s Fried Chicken. CNE 2014

Having recently completed my fifth annual tour of the Canadian National Exhibition‘s weird fair food offerings I can say with a certain amount of humility that this one nearly broke me.

For the first time ever I went to the Ex on three separate occasions. And though each time was during the “after 5 p.m.” weekday special — so I wasn’t there for a full day — these three trips came on three consecutive days. And as shocking as it may seem, three straight days of eating carnie stunt food tends to cause a certain amount of physiological rebellion within the human body.

To find out how this all turned out, read below…

First wave attack, Tuesday, August 26

Quench Lemonade. CNE 2014

Quench Lemonade. I started out with a fountain lemonade (part of my ongoing Ex campaign to not drink pop). It was fine, standard lemonade with maybe 20% too much sugar. The mushed lemon half thrown in certainly added a nice touch. 5.7/10

Just Cone It, Olympus Cone. CNE 2014

Just Cone It’s Olympus Cone. As a sucker for all forms of Greek food and as someone who decided he wanted to avoid the Bacon Nutella Pizza Cone, I went with the Olympus — a combination of tomatoes, cucumbers, green peppers, feta and olives — instead. Problem number one was that before I took a bite the biggest piece of feta fell off the top of the cone on to the ground. Burn. Then, when actually eating the thing the watery juices spilled on my hands. On top of that the cukes tasted old and gross. 4.9/10

Orange Sorbet. CNE 2014

Orange Sorbet. This was Sarah’s. I helped finish it off. Classic orange sorbet. 6.5/10

Note: This Sorbet came from Eative and their weird sci-fi dry ice gastro-something station. I didn’t get to see any of that stuff. I just ate the leavins. (Thanks, Tara.)

Water Bottle Refill Station. CNE 2014

Water Bottle Refill Station. One of the great new institutions at the Ex is the prominent water bottle refill station right beside the eastern entrance of the Food Building. We actually refilled the lemonade cup multiple times to create lemon-bammed water. 8/10

Miami Ice's Monkey Junk. CNE 2014

Miami Ice’s Monkey Junk. Being a little naive to wordplay sometimes, when I bought this I failed to realize that “Monkey Junk” meant “frozen banana smoothie popsicle.” Is that racist? Or has everything-is-racist sensitivity made me incapable of seeing it simply as “monkeys like bananas, this has bananas, therefore we’ll call it ‘Monkey Junk’?” Either way, by the time I got to the melty end of this it was kinda awful. 4.8/10

Fran's Thanksgiving Turkey Waffle. CNE 2014

Fran’s Thanksgiving Turkey Waffle. Fran’s first year at the Ex was impressive. For stunt food the Thanksgiving turkey waffle was a solid meal. The portion size was huge and the service at the Fran’s booth was beautiful in its ruthless efficiency. About the only thing wrong with this meal — which was basically an open-face turkey sandwich with waffle instead of bread — was the cranberries. Nobody actually likes cranberries. They should die. 7.8/10

Second wave, Wednesday, August 27. One of my main goals on this night was to check out classic Can-Rockers April Wine. This cut into my eating time…

Reese Flurry. CNE 2014

Reese Flurry. I’ve always loved soft serve ice cream and this was no different. That said, by the time you get to the bottom of this the remaining Reese’s Pieces are reasonably frozen and therefore not much fun to chew/bite. 6.8/10

Miller Genuine Draft. CNE 2014.

Miller Genuine Draft. I had two of these. They were normal beers from the Big Beer Industrial Complex. 6.2/10

Iron Skillet Sirloin Tips. CNE 2014

Iron Skillet Sirloin Tips and Garlic Mash Potatoes. These were very hit-the-spot tasty bits of steak ‘n’ potato. The best part being that the Iron Skillet folks weren’t scare of seasoning, which is a risk at some of these food stalls during the Ex. 7.9/10

El Gordo from Chunky Cheese Gourmet Grilled Cheese. CNE 2014

El Gordo from Chunky Cheese Gourmet Grilled Cheese. Featuring Monterey Jack, sundried tomatoes, chicken breast pieces, salsa, chipotle spread and jalapeno peppers, this was one totally alright sandwich. It’s relative quality was a good salve because they also sold something called the Elvis sandwich — an abomination featuring peanut butter, cheese, bananas and some other crap — which I couldn’t bring myself to try. 7.5/10

Hula Girl Expresso's Crobar. CNE 2014

Hula Girl Expresso’s Crobar. This was the croissant/chocolate bar hybrid that was one of this year’s alpha stunt foods. I’d consider it more “turnover” and less “croissant,” and there was nothing approaching the volume of a full chocolate bar in there (it was more like three squares of a Caramilk bar), but it was still quite tasty. 7.2/10

I wanted to try the Deep Fried Cheesecake, but it was sold out. So then I tried to get a Deep Fried Cola and that was sold out, too. Left with little else on the novelty food spectrum I went with…

Bacon Nation Sundae. CNE 2014

Bacon Nation Sundae. This is a normal soft serve ice cream sundae with caramel and chocolate. Except the bottom of the cup is filled with bacon bits and the garnish is two slices of bacon. The bacon slices weren’t so odd. After all, if you order something like a Grand Slam breakfast there’s often some collateral pancake syrup-to-bacon damage on those plates. But the bacon bits, man, that was… wrong. By the bottom of the cup it was just chocolate syrup and bacon bits in an unholy and inedible combination of the sort that’d make drinking fracking detritus seem relatively desirable. 3/10

Third wave, Thursday, August 28. Finally, on the third day I spotted a modest lineup for this year’s alpha food event, Coco’s Fried Chicken…

Coco's Fried Chicken Honey Butter Buttermilk Biscuit. CNE 2014

Coco’s Fried Chicken Buttermilk Biscuits With Whipped Honey Butter. Not bad. Not Popeye’s. 6.8/10

Coco's Fried Chicken Cocoa Chicken. CNE 2014

Coco’s Fried Chicken Cocoa Chicken. Chocolate chicken? What the fuck? Well, sorry to disappoint you, but it basically tastes like normal fried chicken. With maybe a bit of cumin. There was nary a hint of chocolate beyond the appearance. Sidenote: The fries were really good… Coco’s has their fry game down. Sidenote #2: Do NOT get the “chocolate ketchup” dipping sauce. Imagine licking the toilets on the Carnival Triumph cruise ship… that’s what it tasted like.  Chicken 7.5/10, Fries 7.8/10, Chocolate Ketchup 1.2/10

Wild Child Kitchen's Booster Juice. CNE 2014

Wild Child Kitchen’s Booster Juice. Having been thumped by the massive Cacao Chicken I needed a pick-me-up and for this I went to the hippies at Wild Child. I got something good from them last year so this year I decided to try the Booster Juice — beets, apples, carrots, ginger, lemon. The look of the Booster is great. Think “what True Blood prop juice must be made of,” but the actual drinking of the Booster? Let’s just say there’s such a thing as too much beet. And however much beet was in this drink was exactly too much beet. The slurry at the end of this — a combo of beet pulp and ginger — was undrinkable. 4/10

Special mention. The exact time required for the Wild Child Booster Juice to make its way through the entire human body is four hours. And when it does leave the human body it does so in spectacular, porcelain-staining, technicolour fashion.

Cherry Slushy. CNE 2014

Cherry Slushy. I got this to slink back into my comfort zone after the trauma of the Booster Juice. 5.9/10

My desire to try the churros was 100 per cent influenced by Clone High…

I Love Churros' Chocolate Churros. CNE 2014

I Love Churros’ Chocolate Churros. A Spanish alternative to the classic sugar doughnut, these churros started out amazing. They were straight out of the deep fryer and their texture — a crispy, sugar-sprinkled exterior combined with a slightly doughy interior — made for magical mouthpleasures. Until I got to the bottom of the first one, that is. The chocolate syrup that had been pumped into the center of the churro had pooled at the bottom and become super-heated. So when I bit into it I got a gusher of scalding chocolate syrup in my mouth, essentially burning my tongue to the point where today I taste nothing. Also, after finishing these I almost randomly barfed without any notice or provocation. I blame that on the cumulative effects of the three days, not on the churros, though. 6/10

Additional reading:

Things I ate at the CNE in 2016. Bug Bistro’s Bug Dog and Fran’s Blueberry Milkshake with a slice of real blueberry pie.

Things I ate at the CNE in 2015. Including Frosted Flakes Chicken On A Stick and The S&M Burger.

Things I ate at the C.N.E. in 2013. Including Nutella Jalapeno Poppers and the S’more Dog.

Things I ate at the C.N.E. in 2012. Including the Chocolate Eclair Dog and Bacon Nation Nutella BBBLT.

Things I ate at the C.N.E. in 2011. Including the Krispy Kreme Hamburger and Deep Fried Twix.

Things I ate at the C.N.E. in 2010. Including Deep Fried Butter and Taco In A Bag.

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So I Trained With An Axe Murderer

Wanderlei Silva

Wanderlei Silva

Sarah recently made a return to muay thai training at one of her favourite gyms, Evolucao Thai.

The reason? A chance to participate in a session with Wanderlei “The Axe Murderer” Silva.

To read what it was like, head over to Fightland by going here.

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Weird Niagara Falls: Spaceship Restaurants, Giant Frankensteins And More

Weird Niagara

Weird Niagara

For a tourist destination overflowing with natural beauty, immaculately cultivated gardens and classy, upstanding attractions like an aviary and a butterfly conservatory, Niagara Falls doesn’t exactly have the most pristine reputation.

It’s not entirely undeserved.

In a country where nature and its wonders are generally regarded with respect, reverence and stereotypical Canadian politeness, the response to Niagara’s thundering falls has always seemed a bit garish. For over a hundred years, people have been throwing themselves over those falls in various contraptions, or traipsing across them on tightropes. And for over 60 of those years, entrepreneurs have been building wax museums, haunted houses and arcades right next to the water in a less than subtle attempt to capitalize on the bustling tourist trade that the Falls — and its daredevils — inspired.

But anyone who outright dismisses modern day Niagara Falls as a tacky tourist trap is missing the point, and a lot of fun. The Clifton Hill area of town, ground zero for strange and ridiculous amusements, has developed its own charm over the years and a number of its most notorious attractions have proven themselves to be genuinely cool despite — or maybe even because of — their kitsch factor.

Here are five of the best:

House of Frankenstein

House of Frankenstein

5. The House of Frankenstein

Perched at the top of Clifton Hill, this haunted house provides a mix of modern and old-timey scares.

Why it’s notorious:

It’s one of five haunted houses within screaming distance of the Falls, and one of three right on Clifton Hill. The large stature of Frankenstein eating a cheeseburger that straddles the attraction’s roof and the neighbouring Burger King, a rather bizarre but inspired example of corporate synergy, has become a favourite symbol of the city’s tackiness among travel and food writers.

Why it’s actually cool:

It has the most genuine old school carnie atmosphere in town. There are many venues on The Hill that pipe audio tracks onto the street and promise cheap thrills and frights to passersby, but while others merely list their spooky offerings or devolve into music, Frankenstein’s spiel sounds genuinely scary and enticing. With lines like, “When you climb the 13 haunted steps, you are on your own” and “finish this journey of terror… or be lost in the clutching darkness forever!” blasting from its gargoyle-laden facade, this house does the carny tradition of barking or “outside talking” proud. And the inside, which is renovated every February to keep repeat chill-seekers on their toes, almost lives up to the hype.

The Skywheel

The SkyWheel

4. The SkyWheel

Located in the heart of Clifton Hill, this 175 foot tall ferris wheel with climate-controlled gondolas offers a unique sight-seeing experience year-round.

Why it’s notorious:

It’s a giant ferris wheel in the middle of town.

Even among its over-the-top surroundings The SkyWheel seems a little out of place. In context of the unassuming residential parts of the city, it looks particularly odd.

Why it’s actually cool:

The view! At the very top of the wheel, there’s a little something for everyone. The spectacle of Clifton Hill, the glam Fallsview area, the normal city beyond tourist town and, of course, the Falls themselves all get their due on this short-but-sweet ride. Clocking in at about a dollar per minute, The SkyWheel isn’t the most cost-effective deal on the strip in terms of actual time, but that view really is worth every penny. And, when it’s gussied up in glimmering lights at night, the wheel itself isn’t too shabby-looking, either.

Great Canadian Midway

Great Canadian Midway

3. The Great Canadian Midway

Right next to The SkyWheel, this arcade is the all-ages answer to Casino Niagara and Fallsview Casino.

Why it’s notorious:

Loud, gaudy and chock full of silly games and rides, the Midway is quite possibly the most absurd attraction in Niagara Falls, which would put it high in the running for most absurd worldwide.

Why it’s actually cool:

The people behind The Great Canadian Midway have crafted an atmosphere that’s undeniably fun and contagious. And while that might seem like a simple task, the other arcades on The Hill (the arcade formerly known as Dave & Buster’s and Adventure City) suggest otherwise. All of three places boast many of the exact same games and amusements, but Busters and Adventure City come off as crowded and almost maudlin affairs, sprinkled with intermittent people having perfunctory fun.

Something about the GCM’s high ceilings, neon lights, sounds, staff and the unparalleled collection of old school Skee-Ball machines makes it stand out. It’s a favourite among kids, tourists, people who want the gambling rush without the risk and anyone who wants to feel like a kid again and, when you’re amongst them, it’s hard not to get caught up in the unabashed and unironic fun.

Ripley's Believe It Or Not at Niagara Falls

Ripley’s Believe It Or Not at Niagara Falls

2. Ripley’s Believe It Or Not

A Clifton Hill mainstay sine 1963, this wacky museum features a constantly changing and expanding collection of strange and, well, unbelievable objects and information.

Why It’s Notorious:

It’s a large collection of gimmicky and bizarre minutiae in a building that’s been renovated to look like a toppled skyscraper mounted by King Kong. It also seems to derive a disproportionate amount of its fame from being “that place with the two-headed calf.”

Why it’s actually cool:

The collection is actually pretty fascinating. And, with over 700 artifacts, including tramp art, shrunken heads, human hair wreaths, and interactive exhibits, it’s a steal at just $13.99 per person. In a city filled with not-so-cheap thrills, Ripley’s is the kind of place where you can spend a whole afternoon and still discover something new. It’s also chock full of local lore, including video, facts about some of the most infamous falls daredevils, and a haunting display about the hermit who lived on Goat Island.

The Flying Saucer Restaurant in Niagara

The Flying Saucer Restaurant in Niagara

1. The Flying Saucer

Located just up the road from Clifton Hill, at 6768 Lundy’s Lane, The Flying Saucer is a classic ‘70s diner with a not so classic theme.

Why it’s notorious:

It’s a diner shaped like two giant UFOs.

Why It’s Actually Cool:

It’s a diner shaped like two giant UFOs! How could that not be cool? The thing that really elevates The Flying Saucer to the next level, though, and makes it the king of cool kitsch in Niagara Falls is the complete dedication to its theme. Sitting inside the diner, with its USS Enterprise-meets-disco decor and its menus designed like tabloids, it’s clear that the place was not the work of someone who halfheartedly slapped a space theme on the place to attract more tourists. It is a sparkling silver monument to geekery at its finest. The food and prices aren’t half bad, either.

This story was originally published Feb. 15, 2012 on AOL Travel (RIP).

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Reliving Woodstock ’99 From The Couch

Woodstock '99 poster and bill

Woodstock ’99 poster and bill

Inspired by writer friend Josh Ostroff’s very good I-was-there piece reliving the horrors of what it was like being at Woodstock ’99 exactly 15 years ago I went and unearthed the review I wrote about it at the time for Chart.

It’s not the best piece of writing ever (why did I swear so much?), and because I wrote it from the comfort of my couch, watching it on TV while flipping between the pay-per-view feed and MuchMusic, it has a decided backseat driver vibe, but whatever. At the time I was really irritated by the whole event and embarrassed for both my generation and humanity in general.

Here it is:

I wasn’t there — and thank fuckin’ god for that.

Sure, the idea sounded pretty good, celebrate the 30th anniversary of Woodstock, relive peace, happiness and such, and enjoy a bunch of great bands. Problem is, most of the bands sucked and the kids ain’t about “the groovy trip” and shit these days, they’re about trying to grope that chick’s tits over yonder and “fuckin’ shit up, know what I mean?”

Well and comfy on my sofa and switching from Much to pay-per-view obsessively, one thing became clear — you get a bunch of young middle-class white kids together and boy do they ever get stupid.

Case in point, the now infamous Limp Bizkit set. I don’t have a problem with the way they incited the crowd to riot — it was all very Jim Morrison-esque and breathed a bit of truly historic air into what had been an otherwise mundane affair. It was truly rock ‘n’ roll, and a spectacle to behold, even from the couch. But the fact it took Limp Bizkit — a band who, when it comes down to it, are a horribly shitty one-and-a-half hit wonder — to cause a riot, reflects badly on this generation.

When the Much and PPV cameras would pan across the violent circle pits, looters ripping apart light tower rigging and moshing up a storm, it was actually kinda cool visually. But think about it. The kids tearing were tearing apart the light tower! I mean, it’s O.K. not to understand the mechanics of rock concert equipment, but it takes real glueheads not to be able to figure out that if you trash a tower, the show won’t continue. And it’s funny that just when I came to this realization, the PPV cameras zoomed in on some guys tipping over the portapotties reserved for the light tower crew, then started jumping on top of them. When one of the toilets collapsed under the weight of one of these jumpers I started howling. This kid’s pissed-off-at-his-Burger King-job-rage left him lying in a literal pool of piss and shit from the toilet he just destroyed. Fucking idiot.

The music of anger seemed contrived too. Korn just sucked, despite the crowd’s gleeful declaration that “Korn rocked, maan!” As far as muddy wonders go, I guess they were alright, but I can’t help but pencil in mid-October as the date for the Korn records to start flooding into the delete bins of used record stores worldwide. Rage Against The Machine sounded good playing their one song over and over again. But their burn-the-American-flag bit was the anti-climax to Fred Durst singing “Faith” from atop a scavenged piece of plywood. Godsmack, Sevendust, Buckcherry, Lit. Why the fuck did you even get invited? You’re at 14:58, baby.

The best barometer for the whole show was likely watching the MuchMusic throws from Ed The Sock and Sook Yin Lee. With each progressive throw, their nervous vitriol became more and more apparent, what with Sook calling the crowd “loogans” and Ed insulting all comers. They did after all have to abandon their camera tower during Limp Bizkit because of the semi-rioters.  Sure insulting the audience was something of a music-snob elitist reaction, but it was entirely justified by just flipping channels to the PPV footage that would zoom in on a topless woman riding a guy’s shoulders and seeing numerous anonymous hands grabbing at her tits to cop a cheap feel. Classy.

In fact, the nudity was so rampant that Much’s Bill and Rick took to calling the show “Boobfest” and “Boobstock” in honour of the spring break-style moral deterioration going on around them. A moral deterioration best exemplified by confessionals from concertgoers pointing out to Rick or Bill where they had fucked the night before, or the best, jerked off behind some portapotties while watching some girls wrestling.

As for the music, there were a few actual highlights (none of which included Alanis, Jewel, Bruce Hornsby, Megadeth, Guster or Rusted Roots). The Tragically Hip opening up the proceedings on the main stage on Saturday was absolutely astounding. There was a sea of Canadian flags churning in such vast numbers that not even Canada Day shows can compare.

It was a truly surreal moment and one of those rare festival show instances that I’ve not seen since U2’s performance at Live Aid, where it felt like a band instantaneously arrives. Metallica were surprisingly great. After Rage and Limp Bizkit they had to do something, and what that was was literally a greatest hits marathon that seemed to never stop. It almost, almost redeemed the night.

But for every highlight there were numerous musical lows. Kid Rock playing for an hour was right up there, so was Everlast. And in what will likely be hailed as the most fractured performance ever in front of 250,000 people, Wyclef Jean let his sister Melky Sedeck hack apart “Raw” for 15 minutes before finally hitting the stage himself to hack apart his own songs. Although we will give him credit for shutting up and letting his DJ play House Of Pain and Naughty By Nature for 10 minutes.

So yeah, there you go, historic moment and all that crap, blah, blah. I’m glad I stayed home.

 

 

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How Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Prepared Us For MMA

Shredder

Shredder

Forget Royce Gracie and Ken Shamrock, the real gateway drug that led to the explosion of mixed martial arts was Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Raphael and Donatello — the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

With the new TMNT movie (featuring Megan Fox and Will Arnett) coming out, Sarah figured it was as good a time as any to consider the legacy of turtle power.

To read her article head over to Fightland by going here.

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