Risky Fuel

The returns have been uneven for fall fair stunt food eating in recent years. In 2020 we were in COVID lockdown so Team Risky Fuel faked it entirely, in 2018 we boycotted the CNE because they were being anti-worker dickbags, and with event lockdown protocols still in place in 2021, well, we were mostly just broken.

So there was no shortage of enthusiasm when the Canadian National Exhibition returned in 2022 with a pile of new foods to challenge ourselves over. All told we tried 24 separate items across three visits to The Ex.

Here, then, are the things I ate at the C.N.E. in 2022:

Pull’d Krispy Kreme Donut Pulled Pork Sandwich
A smarter person would read the full name of this thing and say to themselves, “No, I do not need to try this.” And yet, I am not a smart person in this regard, so it was into the breach once again… for a completely unnecessary experience. Individually, all of the key components — the donuts, the pull, the pork — were fine. Together? Mostly messy nonsense. 6.5/10

Zabiha Halal Chicken Sticks
Long-time followers of this ongoing adventure will recall that hot dog makers Maple Lodge are responsible for the worst thing I’ve ever tried at The Ex, the Chocolate Eclair Hot Dog. In the years since, they’ve done a savvy retool where instead of attempting bad stunt food, they just give away free pieces of their high-end weenies. Zabiha Halal Chicken Sticks? Entirely acceptable for one’s BBQ needs. Sidenote: Apparently the Zabiha and neighbouring Maple Lodge freebie booths got shut down for health code violations during the fest, but apparently we dodged that one and caught them during a good day. 7.1/10

Banana Icee
Trying to avoid the ubiquitous Coca-Cola-branded soft drink booths is a losing game at The Ex, but we do our best. In this case, trying to quench one’s thirst with a banana slurpee, sorry, “Icee.” It was fine in an exactly-like-a-banana-popsicle way. 6.2/10

Blue Raspberry Icee
We really got adventurous here with the “blue” raspberry. Not as good as the banana. 6/10

Cherry Icee
Taste-wise this was fine, though less intriguing than the banana version. Unfortunately, the amount of red dye food colouring in this concoction was a borderline hate crime. Turning one’s mouth a cartoonish bright red is a bit of fun, but every errant drop of this icee was a sticky, staining timebomb, fouling one’s hands, wardrobe and passersby. 6/10

Carla’s Cookie Box Skor Butter Tart
A must-do every year is an assorted pack of Carla’s monstrously good butter tarts. The tastiest new attempt here was the Skor tart, which can’t quite match the near-perfection of Carla’s Nutella tart, but is still compulsively delicious. 8.6/10

Carla’s Cookie Box Oh Henry Butter Tart
Still a joyous experience, but Oh Henry is a bit mid as both a chocolate bar and the anchor for a signature tart. 8/10

Dutch Frites’ Cookie Butter Frites
Dutch Frites’ Frites with Satay Peanut Sauce
Some of foods at the Ex only succeed as shocking if you’re the kind of person who’s unable to recognize that different cultures around the world exist, and that those cultures eat different things. While I wouldn’t go so far as call fries with satay sauce(!) some kind of cultural exchange or East-West fusion, this experience was slightly more wild than dipping one’s fries in mayo. The Cookie Butter Frites, which went more all-in on the sweet were lesser, as sugar potatoes should not be a thing.
Satay Fries 6.1/10
Cookie Butter Fries 5.9/10

Fuwa Fuwa Cookies & Cream Croffles
I’m still not sure what a “croffle” is, but this croissant-waffle experiment was righteous. Combining a light, fluffy pastry with proper cream, Oreo-y bits and some chocolate-caramel drizzle, this treat was one of this year’s undisputed winners. 8.4/10

Fuwa Fuwa Strawberry Lavender Tea (maybe Lychee Strawberry Tea)
Fuwa Fuwa Matcha Strawberry Latte
Fuwa Fuwa Latte
As Coca-Cola avoidance, we hit the Fuwa Fuwa stand multiple times throughout our visits. The reason? The very exceptional Fuwa Fuwa Strawberry Lavender Tea / maybe Lychee Strawberry Tea. The issue here being that I kinda didn’t know what I was ordering when I ordered the Strawberry Lavender Tea the first time. I know it had strawberry in it, and I know it had a shot of Sprite, and I know it had ice, and that it came in a bag, not a glass. And it was a wonderfully lively and dignified pick-me-up. The second time we went to Fuwa Fuwa we realized we may have ordered something else, which led to a cartoonish mis-reordering spiral including drinking a latte (I am not a coffee person and this was a wrong life choice), and something called the Fuwa Fuwa Matcha Strawberry Latte, which is also just coffee. And wrong. Anyway, Fuwa Fuwa have some kind of drink with strawberry, tea and Sprite in it and it’s great.
Fuwa Fuwa Strawberry Lavender Tea (maybe Lychee Strawberry Tea) 8.1/10
Fuwa Fuwa Matcha Strawberry Latte 4.5/10
Fuwa Fuwa Latte 4/10

Samosa Poutine with Cheese Curds
These were just regular samosas doused in an adventurous sauce with some cheese curds thrown on top of them. As someone who usually gobbles generic supermarket samosas, these were a tastier bit of craft. The cheese curds were a little bit of a stunt, but did no harm. 7/10

Red Honeydew Rainbow Slime Candy
This is one of the worst, most dangerous things I’ve ever put in my mouth. I imagine it’s a little fun for children — a bright red heavy slime with a sparkly shimmer (I don’t want to know what edible food product creates “shimmer”) that cements to your teeth in a way that makes it difficult to speak. I was genuinely concerned this stupid shit was going to pull out my fillings. 2.5/10

Duntroon Empire Extra Dry Cyder
Founders Original Gin Bramble
Vizzy Strawberry Lemonade Hard Seltzer
The Ex once again carved out a section in the Far Eastern reaches of the property for a food truck ‘n’ liquor drinks area which remains a shady, quiet, boozy haven. As per tradition, liquor drinks almost always score inappropriately highly.
Duntroon Empire Extra Dry Cyder 10/10
Founders Original Gin Bramble 10/10
Vizzy Strawberry Lemonade Hard Seltzer 10/10

Super Fries Bankok Fries-Pad Thai Fries
The Risky Fuel household has long been chasing a specific garbage food high we used to get from a short-lived midtown bar called Korean Cowboy, which specialized in Korean street food. Korean Cowboy’s kimchi fries — normal French fries with kimchi, mayo and some other random bits — is our white whale. Many other places in the city have variants of kimchi fries and yet none compare. So when we see a menu item with a name like “Super Fries Bankok Fries-Pad Thai Fries” (which, yes, we do realize Korea and Thailand are culturally and geographically distinct) we have to order them just in case. Needless to say, the quest continues. 6/10

Peach Crush
Peach soda is an act of assault. 2.7/10

San Francescos Leaning T.O.wer of Pisa
In the moderately bad decisions department, the Leaning T.O.wer of Pisa is a series of breaded meatballs skewered together with mozzarella sticks, stuffed into a cone, and topped with some sprinkled icing and candy floss. The whole thing is a difficult piece of engineering to navigate eating around, and the sweet components are goofy and unnecessary. Granted, the meatballs are actually tasty, but the effort to consume, the superfluous sugar blast, and low-key sticker shock price make this a strong recommendation to avoid in the future. I might mess with something simpler and meatball-y, though. 6/10

Quench Orangeade
Finally, an on-site drink worth one’s time. Hovering in the same realm as McDonald’s “orange drink” with a bit more flavour, Quench Orangeade is probably the top choice if you’re looking for something in the soda realm but are trying to avoid Big Coke™. I tried to google the Quench brand to find out more about it, but my search results were crap (thank you A.I. and capitalism). So I’m going to assume I’ve deluded myself and that these Quench drink booths are actually just sly Coca-Cola Corp sub-brand activations. I hope they’re not, though. 7.1/10

Farm To Fryer Fried Cheesecake Chimichanga with Pop Rocks and Strawberry Coulis
Occasionally one of these stunt food gimmicks is actually hella good and this year it was Farm To Fryer’s Fried Cheesecake Chimichanga. The cheesecake chimichanga was a well-executed pastry, the strawberry sauce dressing worked well, and the silly mouth zing of the Pop Rocks was surprisingly complimentary. 8.2/10

Mustard Ice Cream
The big disgustifier of this year’s CNE was unquestionably the mustard and ketchup ice cream booth. This disgust is, of course, a big part of the appeal. When you order a mustard ice cream everyone in the immediate area who sees you with that pasty yellow mound of goop has to pick a side — they’re either in for the adventure, or they’re completely offended by the idea of it. It’s a Rorschach test, a beacon for those raging against the dying of the light and a fearful talisman against those who’d meekly shrink away into their sad darkness. It’s also a crafty bit of culinary trickery. The “mustard” ice cream is only lightly mustard-y at best, a slight flavouring that doesn’t particularly challenge the tastebuds. Where they really get you is in the presentation. Served in a bowl rimmed with a hearty squeeze of classic yellow mustard, it’s that bright golden smear that does the heavy lifting for this stunt. A sensory experience, a mustard waft gets in your nose each time you move the cup around you. Also, it’s that mustard that, if you’re not vigilant, bleeds into your ice cream to embolden its flavour. If you can control how you interact with that rail of dressing you can control your whole mustard ice cream experience. 6.3/10

Additional reading:

Things I ate at the C.N.E. in 2020 (COVID National Exhibition Edition). Including Double Wiener Cheese Curd Pretzel Hot Dog and Bacon-Wrapped Veggie Corn Dog.

Things I ate at the CNE in 2019. Including the Snickle Dog and the Cheesecake Factory General Custard Sundae.

Things I didn’t eat at the CNE in 2018 because I boycotted to support unionized workers who were fighting The Man.

Things I ate at the CNE in 2017. Including Deep Fried Chicken Foot and Savory Fried Spaghetti Donut Ball.

Things I ate at the CNE in 2016. Including Bug Dog with Roasted Crickets and Deep Fried Butter Tarts.

Things I ate at the CNE in 2015. Including Corrado’s S&M Burger and Iron Skillet’s Frosted Flakes Chicken On A Stick.

Things I ate at the CNE in 2014. Including Fran’s Thanksgiving Turkey Waffle and Coco’s Fried Chicken Cocoa Chicken.

Things I ate at the C.N.E. in 2013. Including Nutella Jalapeno Poppers and the S’more Dog.

Things I ate at the C.N.E. in 2012. Including the Chocolate Eclair Dog and Bacon Nation Nutella BBBLT.

Things I ate at the C.N.E. in 2011. Including the Krispy Kreme Hamburger and Deep Fried Twix.

Things I ate at the C.N.E. in 2010. Including Deep Fried Butter and Taco In A Bag.