Oh What a Feebling: A CanRock Short Story Collection, Part 3

Stormy waters

Stormy over the water

Previously:
Birthday Boy
Fire In The Head

My grandparents purchased a modest but charming cottage on Lake Erie in the 1960s. To this day, the rest of my family enjoy the property by staying there, sunning themselves on the beach, splashing around in the water, and having bonfires. At some point in my adolescence, I started enjoying it by staying up late, listening to creepy music, and writing stories about murder and guilt that were set at our charming little family cottage.

I was — and I remain — mesmerized by Lake Erie, the runt of the great lake litter whose unpredictability rivals that of its musically celebrated sister, Gitchigumi. It’s shallow and fickle. It can look absolutely stunning on a sunny day and like hell on a windy winter one. And the chunk of it that belongs to Wainfleet, Ontario, where our cottage is located, is so isolated from and forgotten by the rest of the world that I became convinced that all sorts of sinister things could go down there.

To the best of my knowledge, nothing like that has happened on the Wainfleet shore in the two decades I’ve been writing these ghastly stories. People have, tragically, drowned in Erie’s fatally deceiving undertow in nearby towns. Neighbours have come and gone, occasionally before their time. The carcass of what could have been a testicle-biting monster fish may or may not have washed up next door a couple years ago. But not once has anyone caused the death of a sibling or best friend and then engaged in untold amounts of psychodrama in and around the property.

But I have never let that stop me. To this day, I continue to write twisted stories about weird shit happening in Wainfleet, and I continue to insist that it can be the eeriest (sorry) place on Earth. If you let it.

“Million Days,” a story that I wrote curled up on the top bunk of what we creatively call “The Bunk Room” at the cottage, while I was listening to “Million Days In May” from The Headstone’s sophomore album, Teeth and Tissue, and reading even more Joseph Fucking Conrad, is the piece that started it all. I have no idea how I got this plot out of those lyrics. Or how I came up with it at all. Or how no one ever thought to take me to a therapist when I continued to write things like this.

I was so completely enthralled with my own talent and vision that I later adapted the story into a feature length screenplay. Which I then submitted in a screenwriting contest run by the Canadian Film Centre. I was so shocked and heartbroken when it didn’t win that I sobbed for a week straight.

I re-read the script a few years ago. The loss now makes perfect sense.

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Samaritan News 10 Pack: Charlie Sheen, Ryan Reynolds, Carey Price, More

Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen

I’ve been doing a bunch of stuff  over at the music-ish charity ‘n’ good news website Samaritan Mag so I decided to collect some of my latest pieces all in one place.

Here are 10 of these stories…

Charlie Sheen Says He’s Going To ‘Deliver A Cure’ For HIV

6 Truths About Muslims Reza Aslan Explained To CNN That Are Still True

Buy A Little Flag and See What Operation Raise A Flag Does To Help Veterans

Ryan Reynolds Asks For Parkinson’s Donations After Father’s Death

Montreal Canadiens Carey Price Gives Goal Gear To Hometown Minor Hockey Groups

The Good Reason Why Ken Rosenthal Wears Those Bow Ties

Free Movies At Cineplex Theatres This Saturday To Support Free The Children

Vote In Canadian Federal Election, Get Phone Call From July Talk

Prince William Talks Princess Diana At Child Bereavement Charity Event

Handmade By Heroes Toronto Blue Jays Bracelet Helps Veterans

 

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Rocky Training Montages: How Legit Were They?

Rocky with log

Rocky with log

Anyone who has watched a Rocky movie remembers the training montages.

There was Rocky running up those steps, Rocky jogging through the snow carrying a log, Rocky doing pullups… he trained a lot.

Sarah talked to some real fight trainers about whether or not the exercises he did in the film are actually legit useful in fighting.

To read the full truthin’ head over to Fightland by clicking here.

 

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Is Miesha Tate Next For Holly Holm?

Miesha Tate

Miesha Tate

Now that Rousey destroyer Holly Holm is the new Queen Bee in women’s MMA the challengers are starting to line up for her belt.

One of those challengers is frequent not-quite-champ Miesha Tate, who has laid out some plausible arguments why she should get to fight Holm next.

Sarah wrote about this for Fightland.

To read the full story go here.

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Oh What a Feebling: A CanRock Short Story Collection, Part 2

Junkhouse "Burned Out Car"

Junkhouse “Burned Out Car”

Previously: Fire In The Head

Before I introduce this week’s installment in the Sarah Murders the CanRock Cannon With Her Terrible Teenage Words, I feel the need to state, unequivocally, that I was an insufferable teenager. At least when it came to books and my “art.”

This was probably already clear for anyone who read or scanned the previous entry in this series — or anyone who has ever met me — but I felt that it needed to be said.

I was pleasant about most other things in life — or at least shy enough to hide all of my weird edges and flagrant cultural snobbery and random disagreeability. But when it came to literature I just couldn’t stop myself. I was, obviously, a genius, and I wasn’t about to temper my vision for anything. Especially not for an overly simplistic grade nine English assignment that I knew was brutally beneath me.

This is how I came to write “Birthday Boy” in the early days of 1997, just after I turned 15.

Although I technically attended high school in the dying days of Ontario’s destreamed grade nine, our classes had been unofficially separated into three levels. I had started the year in the ostensibly “advanced” English class but was moved to the comprehensive class after a series of bizarre fights with my teacher that involved, among other things, Joseph Fucking Conrad (of course) erupting into an all-out feud that made the learning environment pretty much impossible for everyone involved. Because the only thing worse than an insufferable teenage lit snob is an even more insufferable teacher who can’t be enough of a grownup to handle an insufferable teenage lit snob.

Anyway, my ego wasn’t taking it well. And so, when we did a unit on One Minute Mysteries and were asked to write simple, plucky versions of our own, I decided to reassert my genius. I deconstructed the form of the Two-Minute Mystery and I rebuilt it into whatever the hell is going on in this story.

What’s even more baffling and sad about this whole process is that this story isn’t actually based on the Junkhouse song. Nor is it based on the album of the same name. It is based on the commercial for the album that ran on MuchMusic that involved some spiel from Tom Wilson that does not actually appear in the lyrics of any song.

I got an A on the assignment, but my teacher commented that it was “Too deep.”

I thought this was glowing praise. Because I was an insufferable little piece of shit.

Not once during this entire process did anyone send me to the guidance counselor.

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